About Fifty Shades...

Unhealthy Love…Why we choose it, how to avoid it.

There has been a lot of controversy regarding the release of the Fifty Shades movie and understandably so. Those that loved the book think it is innocent and well written, just a fantasy. Those that didn’t love it feel that it sends a disturbing message, blurring the lines between love and sex.

I read the book but opted to skip the movie. I’ll admit I was more interested in the writer than the story. How was she able to put pen to page and have millions of women not only fall in love with Christian Grey but forgive and excuse him almost anything? What is it about these characters that send women, normally appalled by such behavior, rushing to the theatre for more?

I am not a therapist but I have my theories. Perhaps it is the basic human desire to be loved, have a partner love you fiercely enough to take charge, be passionate, sweep you off your feet and “take” you? After all, isn’t that the stuff romance novels are made of? Unfortunately that is not the stuff this book is made of. Ana is swept off of her feet and into a blinding lust, but love has nothing to do with it. Christian is not in love with her, he finds her interesting and attractive but it is the act of dominance and control that turns him on. As an audience I fear that it is our denial of who Christian really is and our desire for him to change that drives us to forgive.

If Ana were your daughter, sister or best friend would you encourage her? Would you welcome Christian home for Thanksgiving knowing what he was doing to her in his secret room?

I didn’t think so.

As a woman with issues of my own, I regret allowing certain behaviors to take place in past relationships, in the name of love, and I can see how Ana could be lured in. It is the all too common idea that if I love him enough I can fix and change him. Sadly, this is simply not true. No matter how much you love someone your love alone is not enough. Only they have the power to fix what is broken. Allowing someone to hurt you, speak unkindly to you, abuse or neglect you in any way is being untrue to you. We’re all about being strong, independent, wild, untamed, authentic women, right? How is that possible if you “sign” your freedom and dignity away to another?

Some possible warning signs of an abusive or controlling partner –

Telling you how to spend your time, monitoring activities, what you wear.

Isolating you from friends and family.

Expecting you to serve and obey them.

Explosiveness and mood swings.

Forceful sex, not concerned with what you want or your comfort level.

Jealousy and insecurity.

Interrogation.

If you find yourself drawn to an unhealthy partner, slow down. Listen to your inner voice, she will not lead you astray. Get to know you and build a strong enough relationship with yourself that you can find the love you desire, love that is safe, nurturing and kind, full of deep kisses and passionate romance, without the need for a secret room, contract or hurt of any kind. Be mindful of you, love you and the Christian’s of the world will hold no appeal.